"Children don't make you happier"
Why has a growing body of research come to the conclusion that having children will NOT bring us joy and a sense of well-being? Where has it all gone wrong?
Common complaints of parents include:
We fight more than ever in our marriage
We rarely have sex
I've missed out on promotions at work
I have an endless 'to do' list that is constantly hanging over me
I am always tired
We are constantly worried about the future for our children
In all honesty, would most parents say hand on heart, that yes they absolutely love their children but they were more happy before they had them? Does it shock you to hear this admission or do you relate to it?
These recent studies reveal that parentsexperience lower levels of emotional well-being and more negative emotions than their peers without children and this includes parents whose children have left home! These results go against all common thought about having and raising children- we know it is hard work but it is believed that the benefits more than outweigh the hardships.
So what is going on in our society that we are feeling this way? It is thought that within the last 20 years, the emotions behind parenting has changed. There is more invested by parents in their child's life- 3x more time than a generation ago and significantly more by educated mothers who are perhaps trying to compensate against negative media reports about working mothers.
Team that with increased competitiveness, less extended family support and an increase in the financial burden children are becoming, it is no wonder parents are feeling the strain and the negative side to having children.
The social expectation of women to be at home with the chidren and happy or to be battling it out in the workplace in order to be an example of how far women have come that they can have great careers as well as children is also a factor in the gloomy outlook some women now have.
It is indicative of a rigid, patriarchial society that there is less space for women to occupy that grey area in between. Current economic times have also perhaps forced more parents to both be out working than what they would otherwise prefer to do. This decrease in down-time for parents places pressure on any leisure time to be all about the children- again highlighting the fact that a lot of current parenting practice is based on the compensation factor: time and money is spent on our children as we try to make up for any lack in our provision.
But we can turn it around. And get back some of the positvity behind being a mummy or daddy, to remember that it is a gift to be cherished.
Firstly, we can enter parenthood with eyes wide open and secure in the knowledge we are making the decision to be parents because it is what we genuinely want and believe it to add to our current lives in a positive manner. Following cultural or family expectations to have children does not make for a good grounding for a major life change.
Secondly, we need to recapture the anticipatory feeling of those months prior to having a baby. Those hazy, warm, glowing emotions that carried you through into that first post-baby year. Remembering how to revel in all the new and beautiful aspects of parenting- the first smile or a warm,snuggly cuddle will all go far in increasing our life satisfaction ratings once more.
Thirdly, we need to remember that all family members are equal in importance. Parents should not be putting all of their life on hold for their children and children should be well aware that mummy and daddy have interests outside of them which are just as valid and important as their cricket match or the latest film they want taken to!
Fourthly, feeling some negative emotions towards our children and the way our life has changed since having children is normal! Talking about it and accepting it in others' will lesson the terrible burden of feeling like a failure. Having more realistic expectations of parenthood and sharing them with others' helps in keeping negative emotions in perspective.
Fifthly, parents who channel all of their love, time and attention on their children are more likely to have lower life satisfaction scores. As in point three, holding something back for yourself, allows you to hold on to some of the pre-children you, giving a sense that not all your identity is not lost and while life has changed dramatically you are still essentially someone, outside of being a 'parent'.
Finally, we should try to accept that being a parent is essentially the job of being a guardian, where we are the caretakers of these little beings, who must find their own way eventually. If we can model to them the type of citizens we hope they become, wrapped up in a bundle of love and acceptance of who they are, surely that goes a long way in recapturing parenthood as the joyous gift it is?
What are your thoughts? Do you feel the burden of parenthood more rather than the blessings? Share your opinion here or on the forum.
(with thanks to Emily L Baker and Psychologies magazine)
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