What do you think of this statement?
"Children suffer more by not knowing about traumatic events in their lives than by the event itself... Parents often do more damage in 'protecting' their child from difficult issues such as death or divorce"
As a child/teenager of divorce, I can certainly vouch for that statement as being my experience. I cannot blame my parents for wanting to protect me and my sisters or for waiting for a 'right' time to tell us and as a parent now myself, I can sympathise with this need. However, I went through a childhood of knowing 'something' was wrong but not knowing exactly what the 'wrong' thing was.
Mostly I thought it was me: that I wasn't being a good enough girl, a good sister; that I wasn't getting the right grades or that I wasn't trying hard enough in sports; that I wasn't helping enough around the house; that I didn't have enough friends... the list went on and my teenage diaries are proof to all that angst. I spent much of my late childhood trying to make sure that everything was 'right' or 'ok' and that I was 'right' or 'ok'.
If only I had the emotional articulation then to know and to say what I felt, I might have been able to get close to understanding what was happening in my parents world and realised it had nothing to do with me. Wow. What a difference that would've made.
The biggest feeling I remember when my mother told me about the divorce was RELIEF. I didn't really understand that was what I felt but now I know it was relief. The weight of responsibility of keeping my family and me 'ok' and 'right' was gone now! The shadow of thinking that the black atmosphere in the household had something to do with me instantly disappeared. The relief!
I love my parents and in the aftermath of the divorce and the creations of their new separate lives, I have come to know them more as people, as individuals and deeply respect their decision and the strength it took to make. Especially as they dealt with a disintegrating relationship for longer than was healthy, in order to keep family life as normal as possible for us. That certainly takes strength. And equally especially as it occurred in a place and time that did not look kindly on becoming divorced: 'What about the children? How awful!'
As far as I can see it- how awful if they hadn't! To live in such an atmosphere, to have such weight of unknowing in your life is more awful. I know. There are certainly ways of protecting your children through potentially traumatic events and circumstances but keeping them in the dark is not one of them.
All that does is provide a breeding ground for imagination and angst. When confronted with the unknown, a child will inevitably come up with the worst-case scenario as explanation. And because a child's world revolves around them- their explanation will largely involve them. So by keeping the truth from them, you are potentially allowing them to carry a burden of responsibility and unbounded fear!
So many times I have heard and read of cases where children have been told about death, disease, sickness, relocation, upheaval, and the response has been instant acceptance followed by a comment along the lines of 'Ok mummy. What's for lunch?' or 'Does that mean you can paint with me now?'
So what could my parents have said to make it all ok? The truth. That they loved us. That things were going to be a little different. That I was able to talk to them about it. I don't think I would've needed much more than that, to be honest. Maybe that I was going to get a puppy. That would've helped a lot!
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Lisa cherry
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... I couldn't agree more. I lived in a house where everything was coated in shame, silence and toxicity. I was 'protected' from everything and I became louder and louder in my desire to know what on earth was going on until I was screaming....which I did until reaching the rooms of AA at the age of 20! I have definitely over compensated for this in my parenting by being open about absolutely everything....I continue to strive for balance. Good article Kirsten....well articulated. |
