The thing with goodbyes is that they are essentially sad. No matter how often you say them or to whom, goodbyes just drip with melancholy and sadness. What I have discovered in the weekend is that you can get better at them. Sadly, you can get used to them too, which is a little heartbreaking in itself.
Often the most hurtful part of the situation can be that it is one you have chosen. If you have decided to be separated from family or friends, it can be difficult and uncomfortable to be repeatedly confronted with your decision to be distanced from those you love.
In this case, remembering the original reasons for that decision and reminding yourself of the benefits can help. It is worthwhile too, to take stock regularly and assess whether these reasons still stand as valid. Nothing is set in concrete and situations change. It may be that the painful feelings experienced at each goodbye, is reflecting the discord you feel around your original decision not being relevant anymore.
In any case, part of the healing of the sadness is reconciling your feelings around your circumstances so that you are firm and sure in what you want now and being confident in executing it.
Having that conviction still does not mean you won't be sad, but with time and experience, you can create something like an antidote to goodbyes. It doesn't take away the sadness at all. Unlike a proper antidote, this isn't a 'cure'. But the ideas below have been for me the equivalent of a soothing balm, designed to ease the pain more than anything else.
This is what I have used in various combinations over my 11 years of living across the other side of the world to my family.
- retreat to a soothing space, in my case the bath, and ease the hurt
- allow the sadness in to acknowledge what you are feeling, reflect and process other feelings as well, such as guilt, then let it go
- plan to be busy with purpose. I've tried being busy for the sake of filling empty hours. This isn't at all effective and if anything can leave you feeling more empty! Have a couple of significant things planned in your diary that will help you feel purposeful
- prepare ways of reliving memories and dwell on them: get photos developed, share stories
- surround yourself with those you love who do live close.
- expect to feel tired. Emotions are draining- give yourself a break from the usual pressures and get a few early nights. It will pay off in the long run.
The thing to remember about goodbyes is that they open up the future for hellos. I am already contemplating and anticipating the joy of the next hello- in my case, it helps that it comes with Christmas in the sun. But whatever the scenario, the goodbye is always worth the next hello. Somehow it feels more intense, more valuable from the experience of the pain. Like the saying goes: you can't get a rainbow without the rain. And isn't it more stunning and beautiful because of it?
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