I recently had a conversation with a friend and my mum about parenting expectations and perceptions. I am fortunate to have a great relationship with my mother and thought that we had an equally great understanding of each other. This conversation really opened my eyes to the power of expectations and perceptions.
My friend asked my mum if she would do anything differently if she could start her parenting journey again. To my surprise, she said 'yes'. From my perspective, I feel that she has done an amazing job, bringing up 3 daughters to become healthy, happy women who have wonderful families themselves and who are parenting with great modeling to draw upon.
So to then hear her say that she felt there were things she would do differently, was a shock. I was also pleased to be able to be part of this conversation and have the opportunity to learn some more from this wonderful woman.
My mum felt that when me and my sisters were little, she didn't spend enough time with us; that she was more busy within our close rural New Zealand community than with us.
We were blessed to grow up into quite an isolated farming community who helped and supported each other- to the point where there were certain parents in families we called 'aunt' or 'uncle' and I had 3 or 4 families worth of 'cousins' to play with at any community event.
My mum's memory: Having traveled for a good hour or so on the bus home from school, we were ready for refreshments in the form of delicious cakes, biscuits and slices that were always bursting out of the tins in the cupboards. On this particular occasion, we came in from school one day and she was busy baking for a community event- possibly an after harvest celebration or something similar. We then grumbled to the effect that 'it's probably not for us' and were forced to make ourselves a cheese sandwich.
My memory: One of my most favourite memories to recall are those times, coming into the house from the walk from the bus stop, and deeply inhaling the smell of fresh baking: cakes, biscuits, slices...almost always on the laden kitchen table would be a selection of 2 or 3 of these baked delights for me and my sisters to consume before we went off to complete homework or do our chores. Of the occasion my mum describes: I have no recollection at all!
If anything, my mother's heavy involvement in all things community instilled in me a strong sense of what community is; of having and giving support to those you are close to and those you might not be so much; lending a hand to whoever needed it with what resources you had best to hand. My mum was renowned for her baking, as were several other ladies in the district so that is what they gave: their love and support in baked goods.
Time was also a great resource. I remember running about the local community hall with my 'cousins' on various occasions while the adults had a 'working bee'- all involved painting, tidying, mending- whatever needed to be done was done with everyone helping in some way. The social aspect kept the community alive and the sharing of food in a great communal meal afterwards always brings warm memories.
I have carried into my own expectations of mothering this feeling of being loved and cared for through food. I hope to greet my daughter on from school with love packaged in a chocolate chip cookie or carrot cake. I would also like to think that one day she grumbles at me because I am busy baking for a friend or neighbour who is poorly and needs some community love and support wrapped up in a baked delight so she too can learn about community too.
I would also like to think now having had this conversation with my mum, that in those moments when I feel I have let myself down or my daughter down and not been there as I would like for her, I shall remember and know that she will probably recall her childhood in a completely different manner (I hope in a positive way) and that my concerns need not concern me at all!
Trackback(0)
TrackBack URI for this entryComments (0)
Subscribe to this comment's feed
