...handling 'those' words.
It is almost every mum's nightmare that your child comes out with words that you find unacceptable or uncomfortable, whether they are swear words or rude words, that just make you cringe inside and out and turn red from head to foot. It also goes without saying that these words will come out in the most public of places and at the loudest of volume.
So how do we make sure that we have as few of these awkward incidents as possible?
Having read a few websites and books*, it has been interesting to find out what it is that attracts toddlers and children to words we don't want them knowing or using. Basically at around toddler age,children begin to do three things at the same time: explore their individuality, interact with other toddlers and explore language. This is quite a lethal combination as they begin to more intensely identify away from parents, begin to identify with peers and to discover the power of words and language.
Younger children will often use these words without actually understanding the meaning behind them and are just repeating what they've seen you do and say. Older children who you know to have a better understanding may use these words for attention. It also may be that their emotional awareness and vocab is limited and they are struggling to express themselves any other way. This provides a great opportunity to model to them other words to express frustration/anger/distress and to help them to identify exactly what they are feeling and how that might be expressed in a more healthy manner.
It is from this melting pot that we often are encountered with their mischievous and repetitive use of words we don't want them to. It might be words that you find unacceptable or it might be words you find uncomfortable. The unacceptable ones appear to be widely known and more universally agreed upon. It is the ones we tend to be uncomfortable with, that cause the most discomfort or worry about to how to handle their introduction into your child's vocabulary. What language or words we allow our children to say, or not to say, reflects largely on the person we are and the values we have as parents.
It is another thing that we can potentially get down on ourselves about. Or not. Here are some of the tips and ideas gleaned from a selection of parenting resources:
Swear words
> try not to react too alarmed when they introduce you to this choice new vocab
> laughing or telling them off will often get the opposite effect you are after- it highlights the 'taboo' and they see it as a game or a challenge. Much as telling someone to 'not think of a green elephant' will instantly create the image of a green elephant in their minds, so it happens with a child if they are told not to say something- it becomes all they can think of.
> try calmly stating that it's 'not a word we use in this family' and ignore its use.
> alternatively, replace it with something more acceptable. Make it fun and model it yourself as often as you can with over-exaggeration and repetition. Use easily remembered alternatives: 'sugar', 'bother' and 'fudge' are some I know of. My nephew has created his own replacement and you can't help but giggle when his expletive of 'barnacles!' rings out from the garden.
> by stating that it's not a word that is acceptable in your family, rather than it's not an acceptable word, you take away some of the obvious judgements that can be made on the child or person that the word was picked up from. If it's one they've got from you, a concerted effort might be required to really cut down on using them totally or being extra vigilant in your child's presence. There is the argument about what you model to your children and the purists would expect you to not use words yourself that you don't want your children speaking but you need to decide your own position with this.
> carefully used punishment may have its place if you feel it is something your child responds to better and if it is required, but this needs to be used sparingly and with discretion.
Rude words
> some parents agonise over what words to use to describe genitalia but it seems the clear conclusion seems to be to use what you feel most comfortable with.
> if you are happy using the biological names, do so and be prepared for conversations about what others have said they should or shouldn't be saying (other parents and some adults such as grandparents may not share your same comfort with using those words).
> likewise for any other words you may choose to use with your child as alternatives. Be prepared to have a conversation, or several, about the other words your child has heard others using.
> much of what is said on this topic is similar to having conversations around sex, if your child asks what a vagina is or a penis: keep the answers relevant to their question and no more; keep your answers at their level; but most importantly, be open and calm in answering their questions and keep shame, fear or guilt out of your reaction. Learning early on to hide or curb their curiosity, only causes issues further on into adolescence if they have learned that talking to you openly only leads to a negative response.
> there is argument for using the correct names in the case of children needing to describe in detail either abuse they have suffered or pain or discomfort they are experiencing. Knowing and using the correct words certainly helps health professionals who are not familiar with your words, rather than trying to decipher what 'pork and beans' are, or 'muffin' or other more fluffy words you may care to use!
> most discussion tends to come to the conclusion that if you choose to use alternatives, then there is a place for using the biological ones alongside, so your child knows both but knows which ones you use around home and which ones you use in more formal settings. This could be introduced during trips to the doctor; around conversations about body parts, particularly at bath time or during potty training.
*Resources
Please share any hints or tips that have worked for you and yours in these cases. I would LOVE to hear your stories and especially any alternative words you use or have come across!
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