Picture this, your house, 2 pm: screaming baby, piles of dirty dishes, loads of un-hung wet washing, table not cleared from breakfast, bits of baby paraphernalia strewn everywhere. You: unwashed, still in pyjamas, sobbing silently in a chair. Or standing in the middle of the room doing a good impression of Edvard Munch’s ‘The Scream’!
Feels familiar?
You feel lost amongst the buggy, the bottles and the burping.
You feel overwhelmed by the responsibility, fearful of not getting it ‘right’ and completely out of your depth.
You are so tired you just want to weep.
You also feel an incredible love and immense protection for the little creature who has swamped your previous life with a wave of nappies, milk and muslin cloths.
You are in awe. They smell so good and look at you intensely and deeply. You have never felt so good and so rubbish all at the same time.
Isn’t great to know that you’re not alone and that feeling like this is normal!
Unfortunately, the pressure these days is to be instantly bonded with your little one while maintaining an immaculate household and a perfectly groomed image, surrounded by an aura of tranquility and bliss.
More often than not though, the reality is that the initial time after birth can be frightening and euphoric, hard and joyful, exhausting and empowering. How can you maintain anything but a state of constant confusion and hormonal yo-yo emotion when you are confronted with all that!
And realistically how many mothers (even those on numbers 3 or 4) can claim to achieve this expectation? Listening to those I work with on my workshops for mums, very few it seems and it is those more experienced mums who will be the first to say ‘Sod it. Just get through it. The washing will always be there and this time is more for you and the baby, not the housework.’
As a general rule however, somewhere along the way, society has forgotten what the first flushes of motherhood should be all about: being cared for; recovering; bonding; learning; tuning in to your intuition.
There is a tradition of ‘cocooning’ for this exact purpose which appears across a range of different cultures. The length of time does vary between 2-6weeks, but the same concept applies. The time after birth is considered one of complete rest and recovery. Mother and child stay at home together, often in bed and are nurtured by the immediate family and community. This time is for them to both recover physically as well as an opportunity to bond, get to know each other’s needs and rhythms, to adjust to each other.
So how can you create a more cocooning accepting society?
By having mums make this way of bringing up their children a clear priority from the first day. Which brings me to some tips on how to make the first few months with baby more about cocooning:
1. Have an extensive support network. If you don’t live around family or extended family, make your friends your family. Let them know you will need and appreciate their help.
2. Ask for help. Make yours and your baby’s needs the priority and make everyone else aware of that. Even siblings can help out and older generations love to feel needed at this time.
3. Let go. Of perfection, tidiness, your way of doing things. If that means things get done differently in your ‘absence’, that fine. There will be plenty of time for you to rule the roost!
4. Be clear and confident. If you follow your convictions, there is less room for others to question your actions or motives. You do not have to justify your decisions to anyone.
5. Relax and enjoy. Your little one feeds off you, more than literally. They pick up on your emotions like radar- you’re happy, they’re happy. And that’s all we want, right?
So how does this fit into your reality? Can it be done? Yes.
These tips are suggestions only, not rule or law or right. Pick and choose from what is around and create what works best for you. You are the expert in your life. No-one else has the expertise to know what is exactly best for you. Only you know that.
So take the ideas above and make them work in a way that suits you, your family, and your lifestyle. Create some new ones of your own and share them with others.
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Karen
said:
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... Great post- I'm on my third and still haven't mastered the 'letting go'. And I just know I'll turn round one day and wish I had. I read somewhere once that your child will remember the things you did with them, not how clean and tidy the house was. I will try harder to 'let go'! |
Kirsten
said:
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... Glad you liked it, Karen. Letting go can be particularly difficult especially if there are expectations and perfections floating around as well. Take it slowly, one thing at a time. Let me know how you get on x |
sonia
said:
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... Great blog and great suggestions. What also helped me when second baby was due was designing in advance what i wanted the first few days, weeks to look like and that gave me the clarity to know what i needed and go and ask for it. so when baby was born, i had what i needed in place |
Kirsten
said:
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... Thanks Sonia. It is great you drew on your experience to make second time round better for you all- the wisdom of hindsight :-) Also, that is good testimony to having a good and experienced network around if it's your first one. Mothers and others who have already been there are more than willing to offer advice- and hopefully from a good place- so you are able to take on board these types of suggestions for yourself. A great suggestion to create calm and organisation at an otherwise potentially chaotic and fraught time x |
